You are on the much dreaded shopping trip with your 2 year old. When denied the bourbon he asked for he puts up the very familiar tantrum of lying down flat on the floor, flinging his arms and screaming at the top of his lungs. As people watch the drama, you wait for the earth to swallow you.
You are at a friends' place and having a nice chit chat. When it is time to leave, your kid refuses to oblige and runs around the house screaming and crying as you watch him red faced.
Are these scenes familiar? Probably yes, if you are a parent of a toddler. These are called temper tantrums.
Is it just my child?
Well, if it could be of any reassurance, temper tantrums are fairly common. As much as 80% of children in the age group of 18 months to 48 months throw tantrums and in about 20% of such children, it can happen almost daily. The extremely tantrum prone years are 18 months to 36 months and by age 4, they usually tail off.
What is a tantrum and why does it happen?
Temper tantrums are responses to triggering factors that take the form of physical and verbal outbursts (including crying, screaming, lying on the floor in public, running around, flinging of limbs, kicking, arching etc). Some kids can get aggressive, harm themselves and others, break things or hold their breath. These episodes are unintentional (they don't do it to annoy you nor do they enjoy it although some may enjoy the attention they get from it). The tantrums are influenced by the child's temperament (some kids throw more tantrums), their age and stage of development and the presence of stress factors in a kid's environment. A normal 2 year old is egocentric, does not understand the point of view of others, have a strong sense of independence, an intense desire to do things by themselves and to explore the environment, and a language development that is not sufficient enough to let them express their wants and feelings. All these feature's predispose them to tantrums.
Tantrums are provoked by these triggering factors:
1. Stress :Your child is more prone to a tantrum when he is tired, bored, sleepy or hungry. When there is stress in the family - financial or relationship issues, it may affect your child's temperament.
2. Frustration : Activities that are beyond the capacity of the child, which may include even normal day to day activities like tying his shoe laces by himself or toys that are beyond the motor development of a kid may provoke a tantrum.
3.Demands : A child may want to have his favourite snack, toy or activity right away and cannot reason out why he can't have it -right here and right now'. Such demands when unmet can provoke tantrums.
4.Attention seeking: For a kid even negative attention may be better than than no attention. Also a child may begin to enjoy the attention he gets during or following every tantrum.
5. Refusal: A child may not want want to do certain things- like brushing teeth, having a bath , wearing his overcoat . Insisting them to do that can begin a tantrum.
6.Rage tantrum: When emotionally overloaded your kid may get in to fits of rage or may even become disruptive like injuring themselves or others and damaging property.
What can I do to prevent a tantrum?
As temper tantrums are just a developmental phase in the life of a toddler which they eventually grow out of, it is reasonable to prevent them as much as possible.
1. Establish a routine and try to stick to it. This will avoid many situations that may surprise a child otherwise. For example, a regular evening bath followed by a cuddle and bed time story before sleep will not upset him, but asking him to go for bath/ bed at odd moments or when he is engrossed in playing might provoke a tantrum.
2. Avoid situations where the child gets hungry, tired or bored. Carry healthy snacks when you are going to be out for a long time. Take breaks in between shopping trips. When going on a long drive , take books , puzzles or toys with you that will keep them occupied.
3. Keep off toys that are beyond his capacity (Replace wooden blocks with magnetic bricks or 'fit in' type of blocks if your kid is interested in stacking but finds it impossible with the wooden blocks he has).
4. When he is in the 'do it yourself' mode, try offering him little help (I will help you put your legs in to the trousers, then you can pull them up all by yourself) and praise him lavishly when he completes the task.
5. Offer him choices as often as possible to indulge his self importance and independence.(Which shirt do you want to wear- the blue one or the red one?)
6. When you cannot accept no as an answer , do not ask a question.(Do not ask 'Do you want to have supper now?'. Instead declare that it is supper time for everyone).
7. Give him his well deserved attention as often and as long as necessary. For example if he is playing for a long time with his toys when you are working or doing your chores, don't wait long enough for him to come searching for you. Join him for a few minutes, play with him, appreciate him for playing by himself and then sneak back to what you were doing when he is too busy to notice.
8. Catch him doing something nice. When playing with other kids praise him lavishly when he shares his first toy with a friend. Praise him loudly that other kids may notice and probably you will not have to settle toy distribution disputes during the rest of the play session.
9.Choose your battles. When your kid asks for something that is reasonable or acceptable, give him what he asks. If he doesn't want to put on his overcoat , suggest that he can carry it with him and put it on if he feels cold. He most probably will want to put it on once you step in to the cold air.
10. Be reasonable. Sometimes it is worth to stop and ask yourself 'who is behaving like a child here?'. Be tolerant to childish pranks that are acceptable.
11. Signal your kid well before the end of an enjoyable activity.(You can watch TV for 10 more minutes, another 10 minutes at park before we leave )
12. Inform them beforehand when you are planning something out of routine.
13. Acknowledge their need to explore the environment. Empty your lower racks or fill them up with plastic bowls and keep your crystals out of reach, so your toddler can explore them without getting on your nerves. Childproof your home.
14. When the child is mastering his vocabulary, teach him words like hungry, tired, lonely, happy, sad that can help himself express him better.
15. When your child is at the verge of a temper tantrum, distract him (look at this funny picture) or surprise him out of it (wow, look at the flash lights on the police car).
16. Talk in a calm and compassionate voice and tell him that you can see that he is upset and offer him other choices that will comfort him(Can we go for a walk?)
17. Encourage him to use words when he asks for anything. Remind him that it will be easier for both of you if he uses words rather than whine/ cry/scream.
18. Keep a low stress level in the household. Do not argue in front of kids. Be cool and take it easy.
How do I handle my child's tantrum?
1. Keep calm. Do not panic (Easily said than done!).
2. Have an action plan ready. Being prepared can help you deal with it without losing your cool.
3. Never give in. Although buying the candy he asked seems to be the simplest solution, it will only perpetuate the problem. Be consistent , that goes a long way in disciplining the child.
4. Spanking or yelling at your kid will only make the situation worse. Learn to manage your temper as kids usually take parents as their role model.
5. If the tantrum is not going to harm the child or others, ignore it completely (although its difficult). Turn your back to him and continue to do what you were doing.
6. If the tantrum occurs in public, you may still ignore him and walk on . If you find that difficult take him to another place or your car (where there is no audience) and wait on it to pass off.
7. Give him a time out. Put him in a chair in a boring place(empty room or hallway) where you can assure his safety and tell him that you can talk it over when he calms down.
8. If he is having a rage tantrum, hold him for a couple of minutes (which is usually the time it lasts) so that he doesn't harm himself or others.
9. Do not get belittled by the onlookers or by the unsympathetic comment by others.
10. Do not judge your parenting skill because your child is having a tantrum.
11. Reassure yourself that by being consistent and cool you can tide over this. Most likely your child will grow out of it as he advances in his language and motor development. Also consider these episodes as opportunities where you are teaching your child to manage and handle stressful situations later in his life.
12. Most children are shaken and scared after a tantrum. Talk to your kid in a calm voice. Point to him the other ways that he could have handled the situation. Explain to him why his demands are unreasonable. Tell him that even though you disapprove his action you love him as a person and you are there for him always. Give him a big hug. But take care not to spoil him with too much attention and rewards after each episode, it can reinforce his behaviour.
Should I be concerned about my child's temper tantrums?
If the tantrums are severe enough are frequent enough to overwhelm you, you have to seek help from a health care provider. If you have to restrict your family's activities or you find yourself losing your self control during these episodes or your child frequently hurts himself and others or damages property, you need to get help from a professional.
Sometimes frequent and severe temper tantrums may have underlying causes like oppositional defiant disorder or ADHD (Attention deficit hyperactive disorder) that needs to be ruled out. When your child continues to have tantrums beyond the age of 5, they are most likely to have them through out their lives.
There are resources available to provide help, support and advise regarding parenting strategies and anger management if you need them. Remember that children have inherent personalities of their own and parenting can only influence that to a reasonable extent.
You are at a friends' place and having a nice chit chat. When it is time to leave, your kid refuses to oblige and runs around the house screaming and crying as you watch him red faced.
Are these scenes familiar? Probably yes, if you are a parent of a toddler. These are called temper tantrums.
Is it just my child?
Well, if it could be of any reassurance, temper tantrums are fairly common. As much as 80% of children in the age group of 18 months to 48 months throw tantrums and in about 20% of such children, it can happen almost daily. The extremely tantrum prone years are 18 months to 36 months and by age 4, they usually tail off.
What is a tantrum and why does it happen?
Temper tantrums are responses to triggering factors that take the form of physical and verbal outbursts (including crying, screaming, lying on the floor in public, running around, flinging of limbs, kicking, arching etc). Some kids can get aggressive, harm themselves and others, break things or hold their breath. These episodes are unintentional (they don't do it to annoy you nor do they enjoy it although some may enjoy the attention they get from it). The tantrums are influenced by the child's temperament (some kids throw more tantrums), their age and stage of development and the presence of stress factors in a kid's environment. A normal 2 year old is egocentric, does not understand the point of view of others, have a strong sense of independence, an intense desire to do things by themselves and to explore the environment, and a language development that is not sufficient enough to let them express their wants and feelings. All these feature's predispose them to tantrums.
Tantrums are provoked by these triggering factors:
1. Stress :Your child is more prone to a tantrum when he is tired, bored, sleepy or hungry. When there is stress in the family - financial or relationship issues, it may affect your child's temperament.
2. Frustration : Activities that are beyond the capacity of the child, which may include even normal day to day activities like tying his shoe laces by himself or toys that are beyond the motor development of a kid may provoke a tantrum.
3.Demands : A child may want to have his favourite snack, toy or activity right away and cannot reason out why he can't have it -right here and right now'. Such demands when unmet can provoke tantrums.
4.Attention seeking: For a kid even negative attention may be better than than no attention. Also a child may begin to enjoy the attention he gets during or following every tantrum.
5. Refusal: A child may not want want to do certain things- like brushing teeth, having a bath , wearing his overcoat . Insisting them to do that can begin a tantrum.
6.Rage tantrum: When emotionally overloaded your kid may get in to fits of rage or may even become disruptive like injuring themselves or others and damaging property.
What can I do to prevent a tantrum?
As temper tantrums are just a developmental phase in the life of a toddler which they eventually grow out of, it is reasonable to prevent them as much as possible.
1. Establish a routine and try to stick to it. This will avoid many situations that may surprise a child otherwise. For example, a regular evening bath followed by a cuddle and bed time story before sleep will not upset him, but asking him to go for bath/ bed at odd moments or when he is engrossed in playing might provoke a tantrum.
2. Avoid situations where the child gets hungry, tired or bored. Carry healthy snacks when you are going to be out for a long time. Take breaks in between shopping trips. When going on a long drive , take books , puzzles or toys with you that will keep them occupied.
3. Keep off toys that are beyond his capacity (Replace wooden blocks with magnetic bricks or 'fit in' type of blocks if your kid is interested in stacking but finds it impossible with the wooden blocks he has).
4. When he is in the 'do it yourself' mode, try offering him little help (I will help you put your legs in to the trousers, then you can pull them up all by yourself) and praise him lavishly when he completes the task.
5. Offer him choices as often as possible to indulge his self importance and independence.(Which shirt do you want to wear- the blue one or the red one?)
6. When you cannot accept no as an answer , do not ask a question.(Do not ask 'Do you want to have supper now?'. Instead declare that it is supper time for everyone).
7. Give him his well deserved attention as often and as long as necessary. For example if he is playing for a long time with his toys when you are working or doing your chores, don't wait long enough for him to come searching for you. Join him for a few minutes, play with him, appreciate him for playing by himself and then sneak back to what you were doing when he is too busy to notice.
8. Catch him doing something nice. When playing with other kids praise him lavishly when he shares his first toy with a friend. Praise him loudly that other kids may notice and probably you will not have to settle toy distribution disputes during the rest of the play session.
9.Choose your battles. When your kid asks for something that is reasonable or acceptable, give him what he asks. If he doesn't want to put on his overcoat , suggest that he can carry it with him and put it on if he feels cold. He most probably will want to put it on once you step in to the cold air.
10. Be reasonable. Sometimes it is worth to stop and ask yourself 'who is behaving like a child here?'. Be tolerant to childish pranks that are acceptable.
11. Signal your kid well before the end of an enjoyable activity.(You can watch TV for 10 more minutes, another 10 minutes at park before we leave )
12. Inform them beforehand when you are planning something out of routine.
13. Acknowledge their need to explore the environment. Empty your lower racks or fill them up with plastic bowls and keep your crystals out of reach, so your toddler can explore them without getting on your nerves. Childproof your home.
14. When the child is mastering his vocabulary, teach him words like hungry, tired, lonely, happy, sad that can help himself express him better.
15. When your child is at the verge of a temper tantrum, distract him (look at this funny picture) or surprise him out of it (wow, look at the flash lights on the police car).
16. Talk in a calm and compassionate voice and tell him that you can see that he is upset and offer him other choices that will comfort him(Can we go for a walk?)
17. Encourage him to use words when he asks for anything. Remind him that it will be easier for both of you if he uses words rather than whine/ cry/scream.
18. Keep a low stress level in the household. Do not argue in front of kids. Be cool and take it easy.
How do I handle my child's tantrum?
1. Keep calm. Do not panic (Easily said than done!).
2. Have an action plan ready. Being prepared can help you deal with it without losing your cool.
3. Never give in. Although buying the candy he asked seems to be the simplest solution, it will only perpetuate the problem. Be consistent , that goes a long way in disciplining the child.
4. Spanking or yelling at your kid will only make the situation worse. Learn to manage your temper as kids usually take parents as their role model.
5. If the tantrum is not going to harm the child or others, ignore it completely (although its difficult). Turn your back to him and continue to do what you were doing.
6. If the tantrum occurs in public, you may still ignore him and walk on . If you find that difficult take him to another place or your car (where there is no audience) and wait on it to pass off.
7. Give him a time out. Put him in a chair in a boring place(empty room or hallway) where you can assure his safety and tell him that you can talk it over when he calms down.
8. If he is having a rage tantrum, hold him for a couple of minutes (which is usually the time it lasts) so that he doesn't harm himself or others.
9. Do not get belittled by the onlookers or by the unsympathetic comment by others.
10. Do not judge your parenting skill because your child is having a tantrum.
11. Reassure yourself that by being consistent and cool you can tide over this. Most likely your child will grow out of it as he advances in his language and motor development. Also consider these episodes as opportunities where you are teaching your child to manage and handle stressful situations later in his life.
12. Most children are shaken and scared after a tantrum. Talk to your kid in a calm voice. Point to him the other ways that he could have handled the situation. Explain to him why his demands are unreasonable. Tell him that even though you disapprove his action you love him as a person and you are there for him always. Give him a big hug. But take care not to spoil him with too much attention and rewards after each episode, it can reinforce his behaviour.
Should I be concerned about my child's temper tantrums?
If the tantrums are severe enough are frequent enough to overwhelm you, you have to seek help from a health care provider. If you have to restrict your family's activities or you find yourself losing your self control during these episodes or your child frequently hurts himself and others or damages property, you need to get help from a professional.
Sometimes frequent and severe temper tantrums may have underlying causes like oppositional defiant disorder or ADHD (Attention deficit hyperactive disorder) that needs to be ruled out. When your child continues to have tantrums beyond the age of 5, they are most likely to have them through out their lives.
There are resources available to provide help, support and advise regarding parenting strategies and anger management if you need them. Remember that children have inherent personalities of their own and parenting can only influence that to a reasonable extent.
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